Feelings of What?
by Young Chica
Summary: Remus and Hermione have known eachother since his teaching days when she was in 3rd year. They both have feelings for one another, but they don't want to believe it. Remus is having some problems with the present and the past and Hermione's there to help.
1. His Story

**1**

**His Story**

A friend indeed would know many secrets, know many desires and have the wings of an angel. For Remus Lupin, the only friends he really ever had were James Potter and Sirius Black. Peter Pettigrew had shown himself to be a real ass and not know anything but of course the occasional whimper of fear. Betrayal is all that needs to be said about Peter. He had betrayed James for telling Voldemort the whereabouts of his and Lily's secret location, their secret hide away. He had betrayed Sirius, for pretending his own death and leaving Sirius to clean the mess up and go to Azkaban for him. And he had betrayed Remus for ever even coming back to see him, to think that their relationship was still good, to think that he could be trusted. Remus learned all that the hard way. But he had learned that once a friend has betrayed, they could never be trusted again, until he had seen Sirius again many years later. He had considered Sirius a fool, trying to get closer to Harry by getting out of Azkaban with his dog form and expecting a party of welcomes? Certainly not!

But once he, Remus, had seen the blackness of his eyes and the way they folded into sadness and pity, and the way that Remus could not see even the slight of happiness (unlike Peter's eyes that danced with betrayal and glory), Remus thought that maybe a second chance wasn't a bad thing…

"Friends are friends as long as they have gifts to make it up for what they have done," Remus said, before taking a swig of Fire Whiskey and replacing the cup onto the mantle of the roaring fireplace that he had so many times looked into, to hope that answers could be found, to hope that for once, in all the years, he could find happiness. Only when James, Sirius, Peter, and Lily were actually still friends, the years in Hogwarts and the years that followed, had he been happy enough to click his heels in mid-air. It almost seemed impossible to think that maybe, just maybe, there was still hope and chance for things to change?  
"No… never… things never change once they are set and done," Remus said a loud. He looked away from the fire and furiously looked about his living room, the books lying about, the way his chair was ripped and how his cauldron covered the head of man not even Remus recognized anymore. He wanted to get rid of the pain, the sowry, everything! But why couldn't he?

"Because… because nothing, no one, not one _thing_ can make me happy ever again," he said a loud once more. The persistent voice, the last voice of will in Remus that tried so hard to make him listen and make him realize that something good would come, could make him feel better. As silent tears strolled down his paled cheeks, it told him, shouted to him, screamed at him! To not think about death and to not think about what he could and would do to himself soon, now, or even later. It told him that things would get better, to look up and see the ray of light, the hand that was held out to him by one of his students, and to take it, kiss it, and give it love and in return it would love him. He ignored it as he had ignored _many_ times before. He turned around to look at the fireplace and the Fire Whiskey that rested on the mantle. Remus went up to it and gripped the glass in his hand tightly, before throwing it hard into the fire. He went about and tore things up, ripped things, crushed things, broke things, anything to help him rid his anger but nothing would work, would it? The little voice tried hard to tell him to stop, to tell him that she loved him, to tell him that all the signs that she had given him were true to the meaning.

"She's my student, my student! She knows and she can't love a thing like me, nothing will! _Nothing_! She doesn't love me, she doesn't! Why can't she love me?" Remus screamed, hot, blood-thirsty tears hurdling themselves down his cheeks. The little voice said softly, in all the rage he was feeling, it said, 'Former… she's your _former_ student Remus… and she does…' And in all this commotion, not once did he see her, not once did he stale when she had opened the door, and not once did he stop throwing things and having a rage, did he see her, the girl that he had wanted to hear, feel, and smell the love that he had shown to her, standing there, by the door, looking at him plainly, like she had seen this before. Nor did he know that what he had screamed out, she heard. A tear came down her own cheek, this one being pink from the wind that she had walked in to get to his home or what was left of it. Hermione stood there and watched him, not knowing what to think…


	2. The 'Hidden' Romance

2 The 'Hidden' Romance 

Hermione was oblivious about many things, one being the teachers sitting in their chairs. She only laughed at Harry's story and nodded, while laughing harder at Ron's rhetorical joke to Harry's story. He was laughing, listening to Dumbledore's story, as the whole table of the staff was doing, laughing and listening. For a moment, they both looked out over at the room and they caught one another's eyes. Her heart went faster; her heart was too far away to hear but his was beating faster too. They both looked away quickly, trying to rejoin their conversations, but sadly they both couldn't contemplate to what they were originally laughing at and listening to. The thoughts of one another were filling each other like a contagious disease spreading through their body.

The room was filled with laughter, but it was like everything was gone, disappeared and for moments, in their heads, they were in a ball room, dancing around while a crowd watched them and clapped their hands. It was only a dream, a wish, but either way, Remus and Hermione thought and felt it all.

"Harry, that is not true! You can't just say those things and hope for the best! No wonder Snape was so mad at you!" Hermione said as Harry, Ron and she all walked to the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom.

They were talking about what had happened with Harry and Snape in Potions that afternoon. Since it was their last year and they had always hoped that they would be in the same classes together, someone had split them up. Hermione truthfully didn't mind, but Ron was extremely pissed: he liked to look over Hermione's shoulder and see what she was doing better in her potion than his.

Ron rolled his eyes and Harry laughed, along with Hermione's long awaited sigh and the roll of her eyes (Ron had rolled his eyes for a completely different reason.)

They entered the DADA room and found some seats along the side and middle portion of the room, considering it was almost full. Hermione sat on the side of the room where there was only one chair. She truthfully didn't feel like sitting near the boys. Remus was setting some things up. He looked up briefly to see Hermione unpacking some of her things. Remus smiled and felt red faced and soon he was putting the cage of pixie's on top of the deadly Dragon snake. The pixies were all flying to the top of the cage while the Dragon Snake was trying to figure out how to open his cage and attack the pixies. Hermione looked up and met Remus' eyes, and smiled, nodding her head to the cage and continued to pull out her books. Remus looked over at where she had been nodding her head and quickly moved the cage of pixies under the small table and hit the Dragon snake with a spell that made it hiss and spit. Remus nodded at it and when he looked back, he found that Hermione looked away quickly, her face bright red. He wondered why, but once the bell rang, all thoughts disappeared and instead he asked everyone about the snake while telling them to pass up their homework.

Remus looked at Hermione once more, only to see that she had taken an interest in her homework, trying to find all the pages.

Hermione had only hoped that his eyes wouldn't be looking, but after she had been studying him from 'behind', she found that she had better not look at him or else her face would turn red, but sadly, he would occasionally go by her desk, rest his hand on it and she would act like she was taking notes, but all the while, she was looking at his hand, wondering what it felt like, to have it touch her arm, stomach, legs…

She pushed the spontaneous thought away quickly and returned to taking notes and thinking only slightly his hands every time he would walk by.

Remus dismissed his class and turned around, picking up the pile of homework papers they all turned in. He smiled and started towards his office room. This was his free period and next period he would have his last class. But when he heard the familiar calling of his name, he knew that this free period would turn out to be different. Remus turned and smiled, "Hello Hermione. What would you like me to do for you?"

He took note that Hermione looked kind of nervous as she looked at him, and he watched her hand raise up and tuck an already tucked hair strand behind her ear. "Professor Lupin-"  
Remus interrupted her, "Hermione, you can call me Remus."

She gave him a baffled look and nodded, starting over again. "Pro- Remus… I was wondering if you needed an aid, or if I could come and help you with grading papers-"  
Remus _again_ interrupted her by raising his hand. "When do you have free period? Next period I-"  
This time, Hermione interrupted him. "Actually, I have two free periods. This period and next."  
Remus and smiled and nodded. "I don't mind if you come for either. Would like some tea upstairs?" Hermione smiled at him and nodded, following him up to his office room, where for the next 3 hours, they spent grading papers, reading, and talking about things that normally would make another much more _normal_ student fall asleep.


	3. Her Story and the Confession

**3**

Her Story and a Confession 

" I never really saw his good side. I mean, I have, but it was always rare. I loved him dearly, I still do, but to tell him? I'm afraid of the reaction. I always saw him in rages, in pits where he is screaming for help when people are looking down the hole, just looking at him. And I'm one of them. I try to move, but I stall and something tells me to continue, but I feel like I should let him be, let him starve and die while screaming for help. I should move, but I'm scared…"

Hermione walked quickly among the streets. It was dark and she felt like something was wrong… something was wrong with Remus. She had desperately tried to make him stop those rages many times, but every time, it would either fail or he would turn the problems into her fault. She would nod and say that she was sorry, knowing full well that she shouldn't have to say sorry and instead slap him, tell him to look up and around. Things weren't changing for his dead friends and instead, he was pushing away everything, _everyone_ that cared for him now… even Tonks…

Hermione hated it when he talked of Tonks like that. They had been dating for how long and Hermione was still standing for this? IN a way, she felt like a failure. But she was his shadow, his little voice…

'No, I am not his little voice. I'm only there to help because I have lost things too,' she thinks silently as rain starts to sprinkle. Her eyes aren't glowing anymore, instead they are growing wider with fear and betrayal. She feels like that this time, it _is_ her fault. She told him a lie and now, she was having the bad feelings again. Always the bad feelings…

"I can't let you, my love. I won't let you… not this time…"

Hermione was cheerfully walking down the halls: she was going to Lupin's office to help him with some more grading. She laughed at herself. 'More like talking and joking to me,' she thought, a grin playing across her face.

She walked into the familiar DADA room, zigzagging past the desk and making her way to the stairs, but not before stopping at his classroom desk, petting a higgle-puff. It jiggled and hiccupped as Hermione smiled and cooed. She picked up a pile of papers on the floor and pet the head of the higgle-puff once more and made her way up the stairs. She figured the door would be open, so when she found it locked, Hermione pondered if he was even there. Nonetheless, Remus had given her a set of keys incase that happened. She took the key of her bag (she was balancing the pile of papers on her knees) and slid it into the lock. It clicked once… twice and it swung open. It was dark, but the room was warm. Hermione hastily put the pile of papers on the nearest chair. She heard a noise, like someone was trying to clear his or her throat inaudibly. Her eyebrows went up as she took her wand out and said the charm that made the torches light up in the room.

At the sight of what she saw, she instantly made moves to get him down. Remus was hanging from the ceiling by a rope. She hadn't known how long he had been up there, but as soon as she conjured up a mattress under him, she instantly sent another charm after the rope, where Remus landed on the mattress with a loud _thump!_ She went to his aid and took the rope off, tears forming in her eyes. Hermione placed her finger at his neck. No pulse.

The tears were hotter this time. She held the wand at his chest and sent a bolt electricity through his body. She replaced her fingers to his neck. Nothing. "Remus… please…", Hermione begged to him, the tears coming fast. She held her wand on his chest once more, the shock much longer and stronger than the last. Hermione's hands were shaking now as she placed her fingers onto his neck. Nothing. She placed her head on his chest, the tears so hot and heavy that it was like a tornado storm was passing through.

In a rhythm, she started to lightly pound his chest. Then it became harder and harder and harder. Nothing. She looked up and went close to his face, her hand reached over and smoothed his hair back, she her hands over cheeks and then to his lips. She looked at him for the longest time before she leaned in and kissed him, smoothly and gently on the lips. She felt him twitch and she moved back fast. Hermione instantly got to her feet and rounded to his real desk, getting to the bottom drawer. She pulled out one of the chocolate bars and went back over to Remus. His eyes were blinking, slowly and slightly. Hermione raised his head up into her lap, petting his head while breaking off a piece of chocolate for him. She held it to his mouth and said, "Come on Remus, take a piece. You'll feel better remember? The chocolate will make you better…"  
Remus shook his head slightly and mumbled something. Hermione shook her own head and knelt her head closer to him. His voice was like wind as he whispered into her ear, "Nothing will make get better."

Hermione instantly got tear eyed again and shook her head. "Remus Jonathan Lupin, don't say that! I'll always make sure you're well and healthy." Hermione bent closer to his head, "I'll always make you feel better." She placed her lips on his lightly at first; soon he returned the kiss and they it deepened. Hermione felt her stomach tighten and the notes she felt loosened, but the butterflies were wild. She loosened the kiss and gently kissed the top of his lips one last time, before placing a piece of the chocolate into his mouth. Hermione whispered again, "Eat it and I'll always make you feel better."

Hermione was once again quickening her pace. Soon, she was in front of his manor, pushing the gate open, running up the gravel steps, racing to the porch, hurriedly knocking at the door. She heard a crash coming from within and she opened the door, not caring if he yelled at her or not. Hermione ran to the front room, hearing him scream out, "She's my student, my student! She knows and she can't love a thing like me, nothing will! _Nothing_! She doesn't love me, she doesn't! Why can't she love me?"

She slowed down, almost to a complete stop, but she moved to the front door, looking in at him. Her hair was glistening with the water from outside, her wrap around sweater soaked as well. She clucked to herself, looking at him. 'He can't be talking about me… must be someone else…' Hermione thought to herself, tears threatening to overflow onto her cheeks. But in all the years that she had known him, her and Tonks had been the only females that made any kind of move onto him.

Her cheeks were pink from the wind that had blown outside with the rain. She looked at him and moved a little, but knowing that she was going to be too afraid to try and comfort him. Instead, the tear came down over her cheek. She was standing around his hole, listening to him scream for help, but she was too scared to move and she was afraid that if she did, something terrible would happen.

Remus' face looked like horror or if he had just seen someone die in front of himself. Her bottom lip quivered; his chest was heaving in and out. Hermione opened her mouth and Remus did the same, but they both closed their mouths at the same time. After a few seconds, Hermione opened her mouth again and said, "Remus… howl." Remus gave her a suspenseful look and started to shake his head, but Hermione took a step closer to him and continued. "I know… your afraid, but I want to hear it… I want to hear what the wolf has to say."

Remus gave her a tearful look, but his mouth remained closed. Hermione took five more steps and was even with him. She reached her hand across, to touch his face, but Remus rejected this kind of showing of love. He didn't want her to pity him and the try to kiss him. "No… pity isn't love, it's just another form of healing. And I'm sick of people trying to heal me."

Hermione gave him another look. "I'm not…" She took a breath and some more tears fell. Hermione fell forwards into him, giving into the pain she was feeling from him. She cried into his chest and even as upset as Remus was, he wrapped his arms around her and tears fell from his gray eyes. He felt what he thought he had lost and as he kissed the top of her head, he realized that she couldn't love him, for it was impossible. Remus was falling for the true Hermione, but was Hermione falling for the true Remus?


	4. Closer

**4**

**Closer**

After Sirius had died, things had been on a turn. Tonks started to notice Remus and even tried to talk to him about it, though it would only go as far as, "Remus…" Tonks wasn't one to ask guys out, but she knew how to go for it and get what she wanted out of them most of the time. Hermione and Remus started to notice each other; Hermione and Viktor was a little thing, no matter who told her what. They had drifted with the letters by the end of sixth year, the same time that Hermione started to notice Remus. But then, news had gotten around that Remus and Tonks were officially a couple and to prove it, she saw them holding hands at Dumbledore's funeral. She had started to cry, half because she knew that Hogwarts wouldn't be the same without Dumbledore and two, because Remus finally had something in his life. As Hermione had ran off after the funeral, all Remus could do was watch her. He had seen plenty over the summer, but it just wasn't the same now. Tonks and he were together, though he didn't want to for many ways, but he tried it, at least decided too.

Remus came back to Hogwarts the final year for Harry and Hermione: that's when Hermione became closer to him and him the same. They would talk, joke, grade papers, and do homework… anything to enjoy one another's presence for just a while longer after classes. But the day that Remus tried to hang himself… it was something he wished he could take back…

Remus angrily came into the classroom after dinner. Snape was the cause of tonight's anger. No, or was it Hermione? Minerva? Albus? It all came back to Hermione. It always came back to Hermione in the end. He liked her beyond believe, but he just didn't feel like she did like him. He angrily scattered the papers across his desk, sitting in his chair in fury. He looked into the roaring fire, clenching his teeth and balling his fists. Remus got out of his chair, walking to the mantle and knowing it illegal for teachers to drink, conjured up some Fire Whiskey and started to drink at it feverishly. What was he to do? He wanted to touch her, kiss her… but she was a student! A teacher liking a student? How absurd! It was monstrous, dangerous and above all as illegal as the Fire Whiskey.

Remus through the cup angrily into the fire and quickly conjured a hanging rope. If he couldn't have her, he mine as well end himself quickly. He levitated himself to the rope and tied it around his neck. Remus closed his eyes, a picture of Hermione placed in his head. Before he could help himself, he let go of his wand and he fell into the rope, but it didn't break his neck. He stayed there struggling, thinking that this was an awful idea. But with no wand to help him get out of this, he just hung there, letting the darkness pull him in….

Something warm was on his mouth. At first he had felt electricity, then thumping, and then… something warm was on his mouth. He opened his eyes tiredly to see a pair of hazel eyes looking down at him. The eyes disappeared quickly and soon it came back. He was looking even wider now, trying to see something, who it was. He thought it was Hermione, but was it? Remus heard something, a soft voice tells him it would be okay. But he thought to himself no it wouldn't and decided to tell them that. It responded again, "Remus Jonathan Lupin, don't say that! I'll always make sure you're well and healthy. I'll always make you feel better…" Then something light and whispery covered his mouth again. This time he responded and soon, he was envisioning himself kissing Hermione, but soon, the kiss lightened again and something solid and dense hit his tongue. Instantly, his saliva was filled with chocolate and as he opened his eyes wider, he saw Hermione, smiling sweetly down at him. The words that had followed while he chewed the chocolate made Remus eat slowly, wanting the soft voice of Hermione to continue and the sweet chocolate to be in her mouth, to make her more perfect than she was. He smiled back at Hermione, reaching over to her hand and taking it to his mouth, kissing it softly before placing it on his chest.

Remus started to smell her, the peach aroma potent and permeating through the room at least it did to him. He wanted to stay in her lap forever, her hand placed on his chest, her aroma permeating through his mind…

Remus let Hermione out of the embrace, another knock echoing through out the room. He looked down at her and placed a finger to her chin, making her look up at him. "I'll be right back. We need to talk." She nodded and he turned to the door leading to the kitchen that lead to the stairs that lead to the front entrance. When he opened the door, a very happy Tonks was standing there. She smiled at him and came in, hugging and kissing Remus. He truthfully didn't want her here right now; he actually wished for other things to happen with them, but it never seemed to happen.

Tonks leaned back and smiled brightly, "Want to go out for dinner Remus? My treat."

Remus shook his head lightly pushed onto her stomach. "Not tonight Tonks, I have company."

She looked at him, and blinked a couple of times. "Can't you tell them to leave, come and talk another night. I really wanted to out to dinner with you tonight."

Remus shook his head, "Tonks, not tonight."

She gave him a pleading look. "Remus, ple-"

"Tonks, not tonight!" he yelled at her, his once calm expression changing to fury. She blinked at him surprised and nodded, turning around and walking out of the door. Remus closed the door and went into the other room where Hermione was. She was looking at the fire in a trance as he entered and didn't budge from the view. Remus stood next to her, his hands sliding into his pockets. "I stand here from time to time, thinking about things, James, Lily, and Sirius mainly. But sometimes I think about other things and other people too."

Without looking away from the fire, Hermione asked, "You didn't have to send her off. I could have come back another night."

Remus inhaled a breath and closed his eyes, annoyed in a way. He looked at the fire when he opened his eyes before turning his head a little towards Hermione. "I don't think you would have returned after what you saw and probably heard… Hermione."

He noticed that her eyes were red and tired looking, not like the young Hermione that she was and used to be before all of this. Tears were forming in her eyes and she shook her head, removing the tranced look from her face as her bottom lip started to quiver. "I would have Remus, just like I always have." For the first time since he had entered this room, and they started the conversation, Hermione turned and looked at him. He wanted to reach over and wipe away the tears, help her heal, but he didn't think it to be right. Then, he had the urge to kiss her again, just like he had dreamt of the time that awoke from attempting death. He wanted to taste her, feel her soft lips, but was afraid.

And Hermione felt like she always did when she looked into his eyes, the feeling of an empty, cold man, trying to fix things, but knowing he was failing. She reached her hand over to touch his face, to caress his left cheek, a watery smile on her face. "Your not alone Remus, so don't face it or look around and think you are. You have Tonks—"  
Remus interrupted her, placing his left hand over hers, lacing his fingers over hers when they spread apart on his shadowed face, "But I don't want Tonks." And with his right hand out of his pocket, he put his right hand onto her waist and brought her closer to him. With a quick inhale of breath, he had her lips captured with his, deep and passionate. He broke the kiss quickly and with a lustful glance at her, he stated, " I want you."


	5. Tonks, Be Gone NEW

**5**

**Tonks, Be Gone**

Tonks knocked at Remus' door; he had owled her earlier in the day and asked her to stop by the house. It had been about two weeks since she had seen (or was it three?) No matter it was, she was happy that he was even talking to her. After what he had done, barking at her after she had wanted to go to dinner with him weeks ago, she thought that maybe he truly didn't want to her anymore. Tonks could never tell what Remus was thinking anymore; he had more fights with himself lately than normal and she noticed that after full moons, he would seclude to his house for weeks. It was about a week and a half left until the next full moon. Tonks only hoped that Remus was well.

Since no one (though she hoped he was alone) was answering the door, she knocked again. Still nothing. Tonks hated walking in on places, but she had to make sure that everything was all right. She turned the doorknob and to her delightful surprise, it opened quite easily. She went in, closing the door and walking up the steps that lead to the living room. Tonks knew that Remus always loved it there and she figured it was the next best place for him to be. As she walked in there though, she found two figures, one belonging to Remus and the other belonging to someone who was sleeping on the floor beside the couch that Remus was laying on. She couldn't see the face, but Tonks knew it was a girl. Tonks looked about and stared at Remus' body tentatively, hoping it would wake him. As she thought it had, Remus stirred and soon he was directing Tonks to another room, away from the living room where he and the girl had been. Tonks took one last glance behind her shoulder before she disappeared into a room with Remus. He closed the door after she stepped in and started. "Tonks, I have to talk to you about something. Sit please."

Tonks noticed something in Remus' voice, but followed his directions, nodding as she sat down in the chair. "What's up, Remus?" she asked gingerly.

As Remus took the seat across from her, he looked around the room. He stared at his fridge, trying to sort out everything in his head. Tonks knew it wasn't going to be good news.

Remus looked back at her and smiled weakly, taking Tonks' hands in his own and rubbing them lightly. She started to shake her head, tears welling in her eyes. 'This is it', she thought. 'This is the end of Nymphadora Tonks and Remus Lupin's relationship.'

He tried to quiet her, not wanting this to be bad or mushy, but out of all his good intentions, it didn't work. She looked down at the table as Remus tried to explain. "I didn't want to have to do this, but I believed myself that I loved you, when I don't. Tonks… at the beginning I thought with time I would love you, but you can't force one to love, you should know that."

Tonks met his eyes, teary and red. She gave him an ugly look and said, "Remus, I love you though. Why… can't we try it a little bit longer? To try and straighten it up?"

Remus shook his head. "Tonks… (Remus sighs and looks away from her, petting her thumb lightly with his) you can't hope for the best in the relationship. It doesn't work that way. We can be friends, but to date… I don't share the same feelings you do. It's not for the reasons that I didn't want to date in the beginning. I've come to realize that I love you as a friend, not as a… not as anything further. Can you understand?" Remus had looked up at her, but her eyes still wouldn't connect with his. She seemed to be off in another world.

* * *

Tonks eagerly knocked at the Burrow's door. She had tried it again and still nothing. She turned the knob and walked into the kitchen to find it unusually clean. It was summer and normally when Tonks came here, Fred or George were cooking something up, making it smell horrible or just cooking up something knew.

She looked around, walking into the living room. She saw Molly helping Ginny with something. Tonks cleared her voice and started as Molly and Ginny looked up and around at Tonks. "Molly, can I have a word with you?"

Molly got up and handed Ginny a half done shirt and handed it to Ginny. "Sure dear, in the kitchen. Ginny, dear, remember, up hill down the valley, up the hill, down the valley." Tonks gave Ginny a watery smile, following Molly into the kitchen. Molly offered her a drink and Tonks accepted. Once Molly's back was to her, she instantly broke down. It was silent, but the tears streamed down like rivers. When Molly turned back around she instantly became motherly and went around, hugging Tonks and patting her on the back sympathetically. "What happened dear?"  
Tonks could only shake her head. "He used the same excuses again. Why won't he just try to date?" She wanted to shrivel into Molly's arms but knew better.

"Maybe he just isn't ready yet-"

"Molly! I told him I liked him last year before Sirius passed and he would only smile and say, 'We'll talk about it later Nymphadora.' He says that every time and now it's, 'I'm too old, your to young!', 'I'm a werewolf!', 'It's not that easy being in a relationship with me!', or my personal favorite, 'Why would you want to go out with someone who is clearly much older than you and would be tsked by Molly?' I just can't make him love me, can I?" She looked at Molly with teary eyes and she watched as Molly shook her head.

"All you can do is wait Tonks, dear."

"Molly… I've waited all year and more. I can understand Sirius being gone, but he didn't give two hoots when Sirius was locked up in Azkaban. It wasn't until he realized it wasn't his fault that he started to have feelings for Sirius again as an old friend. It just isn't right Molly." Tonks slouched over and started to whimper into her hands. Molly was patting Tonks' back and telling her comforting words, but Tonks didn't hear. Nor did she hear the back door to the Burrow's kitchen open. Molly did and stopped patting Tonks' back. She wiped her tears away and said, "Wotcher Harry."

"Sorry to interrupt-"

"No, I was just leaving Harry." Tonks looked over at Molly. "Thank you for listening Molly."

Molly nodded her head and added quickly. "You can come over for dinner Tonks, dear. You are more than welcome."  
Tonks smiled and replied, "Don't wait up for me Molly." She looked over to Harry, tears threatening to boil over. "Bye Harry."

* * *

Tonks felt a light shake at her hands and she looked up to see Remus' brown eye's peering at her in a caring way. He had concern written all over his face and it was pointed to her. Herself, she had tearful, red-rimmed eye's and she felt like crap. She gave him a blank look so he repeated, "Can you understand?" She started to shake her head but thought for a moment. Maybe he only ever did go out with her to give her a chance or maybe to make her shut up about going out with her. Whatever it was, he had tried and over the two years, nothing changed with his feelings towards her. She slid her hand out of his and reached up to his face, caressing his cheek lightly. "I just wish we didn't have to end like this, that's all." She faintly smiled and got up, but not before ruffling Remus' hair and kissing his head.

Tonks staggered once at the door and stood, her hand on the doorknob and she turned to face Remus. " I understood you for what you were and didn't look down or poorly of you. I loved you and talked to you about anything, everything that we can share… well, I can share. I tried to show you that I wasn't afraid of who or what you were. I was being truthful. Remus… if there is another girl (_and I really hope not_), then I hope she does the same for you and knows everything." He gave her a faint smile and walked over to her, letting her collapse in his arms, crying and almost breaking down. After moments, he pulled her back and she saw that his eyes were filled with sadness, but no tears unlike her. He wiped her tears away and kissed her cheek. "And I hope the next man that you choose to date loves you and treats with every amount of respect needed Nymphadora."

And for once, as Tonks turned around and walked out the door, looking at the lump of blankets that hadn't changed since she came here to talk with Remus, Tonks didn't mind Remus calling her Nymphadora.


	6. Escaping Once Again?

Authour Note: Make sure that you read Chapter five first. I made it a preveiw before so to the people that didn't see I changed it, go back a chapter and read please.**  
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**6**

**Escaping Once Again?**

Hermione awoke to the sound of violent swearing and the occasional soft compliments; to whom? She had no way of knowing. She rolled over silently, her left shoulder, the one she had been sleeping on, hurt and her back did too from sleeping on her stomach so much. She watched Remus pace back and forth, talking about obedience and how she should try to learn how to handle things better, but then he would say that he understood, that this was all too sudden for her and that he should go back to her and apologize, asking her back. Though, he would end up shaking his head and swearing even more.

Her stomach dropped suddenly; did Remus break up with Tonks? But when? Hermione didn't remember anyone coming in, but then she had a lot of rum and fire whiskey with Remus the night before and drinking always made her sleepy. She looked around for his grandfather clock: 2:58 p.m. She sighed heavily, forgetting she was trying to act like she was asleep, but Remus didn't take notice of her sigh.

Hermione stretched a little under the blanket, her clothes uncomfortably warm and sticky. She felt her face and noticed it was oily. Drinking did that too along with sleeping into the late afternoon. She sat up, hating the feeling more and more. She groaned and yet Remus still took no notice to the fact that Hermione was awake. This bothered her; he was talking and answering himself. She got up and noticed that other parts of her body hurt too, but she ignored them, stretching up high, becoming slightly dizzy and walked over to Remus. She gingerly outstretched her arms, taking hold of Remus' shoulders and stopping him. He blinked and looked like he was about to bite her, but once he realized it was Hermione, his frown turned into a weak smile. She smiled weakly back and moved in to hug him, ignoring the sickly feeling she had. She wrapped her arms around his waist and felt his arms gingerly wrap around her. She liked the feelings of being in his arms; it made her feel safe. To her, Remus smelt like mint leaves, roasted almonds and a hint of dry wood.

Slowly, she let the embrace go and smiled a little before saying, "I'm going to take a shower. I have a feeling you need to talk to someone." Before Remus could reject, Hermione nodded her head and left the room, looking around the big loopy Lupin Mason for the bathroom.

* * *

Remus heard a noise upstairs, though he figured it was Hermione getting out of her shower. 'It always makes a funny noise when you turn the hot water off,' he thought to himself as he sat in his chair, the cup of fire whiskey sitting on the arm of the chair in his left hand. He spun it about slowly, thinking of an escape. He knew that Hermione wouldn't agree to it if he told her his plain. If only he had told her to go away when she came instead of letting her into his arms and letting her help him with her kisses… agh! Again with the healing! He hated the single word, healing. Nothing ever healed. It was either scared or burned but nothing ever healed. The memories stay and the wounds still hurt.

He picked up the cup and took a sip from it as Hermione came into the warm living area. Remus had started another fire when Hermione had left. It had looked like she had conjured up some clothes because she was wearing a sweatshirt and a pair of jeans. Her hair was dry and much more curlier than normal. 'She must of used a dry charm on her hair.' That was the only possible answer he came up with.

Hermione sat next to Remus and looked at him for a while, then her eyes traveled to the whiskey glass. Her smile frowned hell ward and she leaned over Remus, the smell of peaches filling his nose, and grabbed his whiskey glass out of his hand. He tried to make a move to take it back, but Hermione promptly placed her lips on his, kissing him deeply. When she moved back she gave him a lazy look. "First we talk; no drinking Remus."

Remus growled at her and she only gave him a demanding look. He quieted and listened to her turn on the water and come back out, only to find his whiskey bottle and return to the kitchen. He heard the water turn on and he instantly got up, running into the kitchen, anger in his footsteps. He looked in and growled at her loudly. She turned off the faucet and threw the bottle away, drying her hands as Remus stared her down at her. She rolled her eyes and went up to him, "I told you, we talk now. I don't want the whiskey to interrupt us." She gave him another kiss. Hermione meant it to be quick but Remus held onto her and made it painful, biting on her tongue and bottom lip hard enough that it drew blood. She yelped in pain jumped back, feeling her bottom lip and wiping the blood off. She instantly smacked him across the face. "Don't get pissed off at me because you have a problem with drinking. It hurt worse than that slap." She rubbed her bottom lip again, swallowing the blood that had been drawn on her tongue.

Remus inhaled and closed his eyes. "I don't have a drinking problem."

Hermione gave him one of her 'looks'. "Okay, I apologize. Drinking every time you think about your friend's deaths and past problems including the present is not called a drinking problem, it's called using-alcohol-to-try-and-heal-wounds—"

Remus didn't like that. "I'm not trying to heal myself! It's impossible to heal anything Hermione! You can't heal wounds because scars are so easy to reopen!" Rage crossed over his face. Hermione sighed and looked at him in a worried manner. She was getting uncomfortable, standing here in the kitchen with him yelling at her. Plus, she was cold, even with her sweater on. Hermione took his hand and lead him to the living area where the fire was light.

She took his hand and led him to the living area. Remus was half tempted to stop in his tracks and refuse to go to the living area, but he also was cold and wasn't one to stand up to the cold.

Hermione sat down on the couch and pulled him down with her. On the walk over to the room, Remus' anger had somewhat fled so when Hermione placed herself up next to him, he wrapped his arms around her instead of pushing her away. She set her head on his right shoulder and slipped her hands under his shirt. As her cold hands hit his warm skin, goose bumps formed. They were like two ice cubes, her hands were. He leaned over and picked up the blanket that he covered Hermione in after they had drank the night before and Remus covered them both with the blanket, tucking them. He noticed that Hermione's breathing had gotten lighter, but he only squeezed her closer. After a couple of minutes, Hermione stirred and awoke, turning her head to look up at him. She looked at his unshaven beard and let her hands trail further up Remus' shirt. Remus didn't move he wasn't even looking at Hermione, just staring into the fireplace. Hermione had lifted his shirt up so far, that she could see his chest, the light amount of brown chest hair covering it. She could see a little bit of gray, like in his hair, but it wasn't nearly as bad. Goose bumps formed onto his skin again; she let the shirt down and rubbed his chest with her now warm hands. Hermione looked up at Remus. She swore that his eyes had looked away quickly when she looked up at him. His eyes looked heavy. Hermione decided to test him.

She pushed her hands down, her head returned to his shoulder. Hermione's finger went into the band of his sleeping bottoms, slowly circling around. He didn't react, so she pushed her other fingers into his waistband. Hermione had gone far enough. Remus stopped her; his eyes were looking down at her and as he spoke, his voice was noticeably heavier, "Don't Hermione."

Hermione didn't press on; she was only testing.

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Hermione was in Remus' office. There had been talk since he had hung himself. She was told by various teachers to stop being his aid, that it wasn't safe but she would only disagree with them and say he was better off having a student aid. Stress isn't good for him, she would say. Albus was the only one who said that could continue as long as she made sure that Remus didn't try harming himself again. She understood perfectly. What surprised her most was the fact that Remus tried to persuade her to leave.

"Hermione-"

She looked up, her brown eyes sending a halo of warm light around him. "Yes, Remus?"

He could feel his cheeks get warm as she used his name; he wouldn't let her call him Professor Lupin anymore, only in class was when she was to call him that. He almost couldn't do it; he couldn't tell her that he didn't want her here. He was afraid that she would encounter the same thing again from him, though he wasn't one for repetition if he didn't like things. Only for seconds had it made him feel free but then he had felt things come crashing to a screeching stop he didn't like the feeling… the feeling… he couldn't put it into words, but it was bad and he never wanted to feel that again. Though, her positive energy around him made him a little happier himself at times, so it wasn't like he was completely pessimistic.

"Yes, Remus?" Hermione repeated herself, louder this time and he came snapping back into reality.

"Hermione… I don't think it would be… safe … for you to work with me as my student aid any—" Hermione's face had fell and an angry smirk spread over her lips.

"Remus, the other teachers haven't been getting to you, have they?" Remus started to shake his head and speak, but Hermione went right on. "Have you thought that if I was scared, I would have come to you formally myself and resign? Probably not, but I'm not stupid Remus. I know what I want and I want to stay and help you." She finished with a nod and Remus was left speechless. She was the persuasive one in this battle. He grinned widely and nodded, going over to his desk and sitting down again, looking over homework. Hermione nodded again and followed suite, going to the comfortable chair by the fire.

* * *

Hermione was trailing her fingers through his hair this time. His eyes were closed lightly. For some reason, he looked like a dog enjoying a pet by his owner. She couldn't help but smile, seeing the relaxed Remus enjoy this stress less moment. Hermione's hand went further down his face. She felt his eyes, ears, nose, cheekbones, mouth and chin, but she loved to linger at his lips. She found them naturally soft and warm. He parted his lips a little, his eyes still closed in a relaxed state. Hermione moved under his arm and turned herself to look at him. She smiled and let her fingertips lightly run across his soft lips, hot breath hitting her fingers. She leaned in a little: his eyes were still closed. Hermione relaxed her lips on his, kissing him gently until Remus couldn't take the torture; he wanted to taste her lips again.

She whimpered a little as he deepened the kiss; damn him for bruising her precious lips earlier. He would have to learn how to control his rage. Hermione kissed him gently again and he responded, trying to be as gentle as she was. He relaxed his arms around her, pulling her a little closer. She was starting to get uncomfortable; she continued to kiss him, but she moved about until she straddled onto his lap. His hands went up her back, under her sweatshirt. The warmth of her back made his hands slide up a little more, his hands hitting her bra strap. He was tempted to take it off, but thought better. He was getting aroused, but he wouldn't let it go any further than he thought it should.

Hermione tried to deepen the kiss a little, holding the pain back as she wanted more, but Remus gave her one last kiss before opening up his eyes. Because he had his eyes closed for such a lengthy period of time, when he looked at Hermione for the first time in minutes, there was a film that made it look like he was dreaming and she was his dream, but if only it was a real dream then he would have gone further.

Remus smiled up at her beauty and hugged her close. She sank into his lap and hugged him back. She tried many times to get her body back, but Remus wouldn't let go. She decided to kiss his ear and as she nibbled on it, he slowly let his arms relax. Hermione got out of his grasp and looked him in the eyes. "Remus," she started, a questioning look on her face. "Was Tonks here earlier, when I was asleep?"

Remus suddenly avoided her eyes and looked down into his lap where Hermione was sitting. He nodded slightly.

"Why?"

He smiled and looked at her weakly. "Let's just say that she didn't take it well and that you wouldn't be here if she was still here… with me."

Hermione suddenly felt like a slut. "I'm sorry Remus."

He smiled slightly. "Don't be sorry Hermione. But if you knew that me and Tonks were going out, why did you—"

She interrupted him by placing her index finger on lips. "I like you. I always have." Hermione kissed him lightly and curled on his lap, taking the blanket and wrapping it around them both. She closed her eyes, the heat of the fireplace finally reaching them.

After a moments thought, he decided that he didn't need a plan of escape after all. "I love you Hermione…"

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Authour Note: Well, this is the end of the story -tears- I know! But no need to fear, I have three more stories going to be posted up soon. They are Remus Lupin/Hermione Granger pairing. One is going to be a song based Fanfiction, another is going to be Cinder-mione, the preveiw I gave you all before I changed it to the real chapter five. And last but not least, I am going to be putting up a surprise, chaptered fanfiction. It will have action, drama, romance, and a little angst. So, hold on to your knickers lads and lass', because YoungChica has more stories up her sleeve : ) 


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